I remember sitting in the car, hearing the low murmur of the engine, the soft lull of the music, and looking into the eyes of my former boyfriend as we discussed whether or not to pursue with a committed long-distance relationship when I left for college. It was winter break of my first year at the University of Denver—the time of year when most girls rekindle their relationships with their former lovers—when I first began to ponder the consequences of being in a long-distance relationship in college. I realized that I had to grapple with the benefits of a romantic relationship—love, respect, and companionship, just to name a few—with the toll it might take while being in college. When I talked to my significant other in the car, I concluded that the time and energy it takes to have a long distance romantic relationship would not be conducive to my college lifestyle. Relationships—especially long-distance romantic relationships—require maintenance. Maintaining a long-distance committed relationship with a significant other hinders first-year college students’ ability to focus on class work and extracurricular activities.
On the first day of college, I remember being bombarded by vivacious soccer players willing to help carry my luggage into my new room; fresh first-years scurried around their dorms in attempt to assimilate with as many people as possible; roommates awkwardly greeted each other, and parents said their farewells. The next couple of weeks consisted of intense course readings, followed by intense parties on the weekends. Some first-year students lost their heads upon entering into a landscape of complete freedom, and many students’ relationships suffered because of the excitement. Girls in particular started to whine and complain about how their boyfriends no longer trusted them to go out for weekend parties. An article from the Journal of the International Association for Relationship Research noted that in 2002 Specher and Regan found “individuals’ expectations for desirable characteristics were almost always higher for romantic partners than for friends.” Meeting the expectations of a lover distracts people from their personal academic expectations. Some partners become paranoid in long-distance relationships when those high expectations are not met because of the strong social atmosphere in college. When I asked my roommate what types of problems she faced in having a long-distance relationship while in college she replied, “[my boyfriend] would constantly have to know what I was doing or who I was with.” Her boyfriend’s disapproval of her new-found social life caused her to rethink having a long-distance relationship. Young adults have not yet mastered the art of balancing schoolwork and a prominent social life with love, causing their partner’s expectations to be challenged, their romantic relationship to suffer and their stress in college to increase.
Despite roommate tiffs on when a significant other can stay for a visit, first-year college students miss out on social activities on campus because of hurrying off to see their long-distance sweetie. The people on the dorm miss students in committed relationships when they’re gone for the weekend or talking on the phone for hours on end with their lover. I have also witnessed this first hand; when someone tells their friends and acquaintances that they are retreating back home to visit loved ones, one will usually hear a “so I guess that means you’re not attending the hockey game.” People with long-distance relationships in college miss out on the college experience in attempt to maintain those fragile relationships. Students with long-distance sweethearts also directly affect the other students around them by having the significant other visit. Most of the time it is the single roommate’s “choice” to leave while the roommate with the guest staying over for a few nights gives the line, “Don’t worry; it’s not like we’re kicking you out or anything.” Despite noble intentions, many students, including myself, find it uncomfortable and distracting to try to study in the same room as two nostalgic love-birds.
I agree there are benefits of having a long-distance romantic relationship as a college freshman. First, the long distance can make the relationship easier to maintain. Not having to see your partner everyday can mean less drama in the relationship. Second the assertion that not seeing your partner for a long period of time because of the long distance aspect can equate to a stronger, more passionate relationship when you do see each other. Finally— and probably the most enticing reason to be in a long-distance romantic relationship in college—the idea of companionship. As most college students can attest, the first year on campus can be trying and sometimes downright hard. Having someone you can call and vent to, someone you can trust, someone you know is there for you in spite of the fact that you may be miles apart, stands as a strong reason to pursue a long-distance relationship.
However, most students I talk to—even the ones currently in long-distance romantic relationships—agree that keeping a relationship during the first year of college is not a logical decision. I know that people are not robots who live out their lives based on findings from academic journals, but in the words of my neighbor down the hall, “it takes two mature people” to maintain a long-distance romantic relationship in the first year of college—maturity that most 19-year-olds lack. I encourage first year students to take the best of both worlds: savor your college experience by keeping that special person as a close friend to vent to without being in a committed long-distance relationship.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
A Necessary Struggle?
There may be many different opinions when discussing long distance relationships in college on whether they are good or unhealthy for a student in the beginning years of college, and I see this topic having its’ pros and definitely its’ cons. As a first year student at the University of Denver, I can say that the transition is difficult on many levels based on what type of relationships a person may have. I moved from Greeley, CO to Denver, CO, and not only did I leave just a town but I left my family, friends and a girlfriend. People may say that holding onto a long distance relationship could affect my college experiences, opportunities and development as a person. The three reasons for me to not be in a long-distance relationship that I will explain could probably apply to most young adults in a long distance relationship, and yet they continue to keep themselves in this predicament. I am guilty as well.
I am fully aware of the reasons why I should not be in a relationship at this point in my life. First, trying to keep the pulse of a long-distance relationship beating is time consuming enough and ultimately leaves less time for the education I worked twelve years for. Bad habits of having drawn out conversations and developing a text addiction has left a mark in how my first quarter turned out. Once I put my foot down in the second quarter and cut down on my ways, our relationship began to deteriorate communication wise and ironically ate up more of my time than before by trying to rebuild what was lost. I am sure her grades have taken a beating as well, considering the amount of energy that we spent on each other. Second, we are both young individuals on the verge of making decisions that could influence the rest of our lives. Growth is something I am always seeking to achieve, and that is what college is about, finding you as a person. I may have an idea of who I am but then again I have been in a relationship for two years. How do I know that I can even be independent? So satisfying this curiosity would not only benefit me but my girlfriend as well. This brings up my third reason why I (we) should not be in a relationship. My girlfriend is not in college yet, and as a senior in high school it has been difficult for her to empathize what my new found busy college life is like. She is losing time with each day that passes by to decide what she would like to do post graduation, and it is unsettling to know that I may be a factor in her decisions. I believe that her having the independence and confidence in her decision making without me in picture is essential for her in this stage of her life. These anti-relationship reasons are not just for me, for I care about her future more than I do our own relationship.
Why do so many of us push aside these reasons to continue what could ultimately become an injustice to our futures? I (as well as my family) have come to terms with the fact that this relationship is not the logical route for me to take many, many, many times, but it is like the cliché saying, “easier said than done”. What is this “thing” that holds couples together? I guess most would say it is love, or perhaps it is even the fear of breaking up and having to face future regrets of what could have been. Being in love is not meant for the youth, for how could we be capable of finding and identifying what we have been looking for our whole lives when most of us are not even old enough to drink? There are exceptions though and in all honesty I feel that my relationship is an exception at times… but so do most young adult couples.
I do not want to miss out on this golden opportunity to have a great and fulfilling college experience without having to stress out about a relationship with someone that lives in another city. However, just attempting to figure out how to accomplish this has been a challenge. There are several reasons to discontinue this relationship, but is being able to confidently say “I love you” to your girlfriend or boyfriend a good enough reason to stay together and face more challenges? I suppose this question is the reason that I am split between love and logic.
I am fully aware of the reasons why I should not be in a relationship at this point in my life. First, trying to keep the pulse of a long-distance relationship beating is time consuming enough and ultimately leaves less time for the education I worked twelve years for. Bad habits of having drawn out conversations and developing a text addiction has left a mark in how my first quarter turned out. Once I put my foot down in the second quarter and cut down on my ways, our relationship began to deteriorate communication wise and ironically ate up more of my time than before by trying to rebuild what was lost. I am sure her grades have taken a beating as well, considering the amount of energy that we spent on each other. Second, we are both young individuals on the verge of making decisions that could influence the rest of our lives. Growth is something I am always seeking to achieve, and that is what college is about, finding you as a person. I may have an idea of who I am but then again I have been in a relationship for two years. How do I know that I can even be independent? So satisfying this curiosity would not only benefit me but my girlfriend as well. This brings up my third reason why I (we) should not be in a relationship. My girlfriend is not in college yet, and as a senior in high school it has been difficult for her to empathize what my new found busy college life is like. She is losing time with each day that passes by to decide what she would like to do post graduation, and it is unsettling to know that I may be a factor in her decisions. I believe that her having the independence and confidence in her decision making without me in picture is essential for her in this stage of her life. These anti-relationship reasons are not just for me, for I care about her future more than I do our own relationship.
Why do so many of us push aside these reasons to continue what could ultimately become an injustice to our futures? I (as well as my family) have come to terms with the fact that this relationship is not the logical route for me to take many, many, many times, but it is like the cliché saying, “easier said than done”. What is this “thing” that holds couples together? I guess most would say it is love, or perhaps it is even the fear of breaking up and having to face future regrets of what could have been. Being in love is not meant for the youth, for how could we be capable of finding and identifying what we have been looking for our whole lives when most of us are not even old enough to drink? There are exceptions though and in all honesty I feel that my relationship is an exception at times… but so do most young adult couples.
I do not want to miss out on this golden opportunity to have a great and fulfilling college experience without having to stress out about a relationship with someone that lives in another city. However, just attempting to figure out how to accomplish this has been a challenge. There are several reasons to discontinue this relationship, but is being able to confidently say “I love you” to your girlfriend or boyfriend a good enough reason to stay together and face more challenges? I suppose this question is the reason that I am split between love and logic.
Miles of Devotion
Dear Boyfriend,
We have quite the journey ahead of us as members of the exclusive long-distance relationship club! The next few years are likely to be a challenge as we finish off our undergraduate degrees in our respective states. I have never been in this position before and thus have no idea how to go about dating someone who is over one thousand miles away, but I see this as a growing opportunity. Just keep faith. Try to keep in mind the famous quote “most obstacles melt away when we make up our minds to walk boldly through them” (Orison Marden).this situation of ours provides us with the perfect opportunity to embrace our respective college experiences and continue to create the future we desire.
Despite the hardship and pain associated with long distance, I see this as a positive change. College is a time of development and self-discovery. We have so much greater opportunity to continue to define ourselves and shape our own personalities while being apart. I love you dearly but now I do not have to worry about defining myself as your girlfriend. I can figure life out on my own and work through the problems that come up without your immediate assistance. In this way I will find my own feet and courage without developing reliance upon your support and guidance. In a sense we have the best of both worlds right now, we have someone there for us if we need them to be, we have a constant friend, but at the same time we are allowed the space to continue our life experience individually and without restraint from the demands of a close knit relationship. As Lao Tzu said, “being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives your courage”. If you and I use the courage and strength that we generate in this relationship and allow it to enrich us while apart we are well on our way to surpassing our goals and becoming the individuals we desire to be.
This is especially prominent when studies are involved. College requires significant amounts of attention and time. The grades we get now define our future successes. If either of us want to achieve our dreams of getting into medical school, which we had set out before we even knew one another, we must excel in school and significantly challenge ourselves. Being apart gives us less of an excuse to take time away from our education. We pose less of a distraction to one another this way; we have no valid reasoning to take us away from what we need to get done. The time it takes to send a text or write a letter even, is significantly less that the time we would spend hanging out together or going on a date. Being apart allows us greater time to focus on what’s really important right now: school and working towards a better future.
By being in a relationship, we also decrease the stress of being alone or feeling the need to find a companion of the opposite sex. According to Cornell, fifty percent of students meet their spouses in college, a statistic the majority of the population is aware of. This assumption can put a lot of stress on an individual to date and explore their options and may make people more willing to engage with others they would usually have the better sense to avoid. This is especially likely when alcohol is involved, which occurs rather frequently in the college scene, as you well know. By being in a relationship with one another we do not need to worry about looking for that other person, we already have each other. We are thus reducing our stress of courtship significantly in the grand scheme of things. Yes, it takes a bit of time to maintain a relationship and some stress, but trying to impress someone else or taking the extra time in the morning to prepare and look nice or spending hours talking with friends about possible boy/girl options takes up more time and effort than you and I currently spend working on this relationship. Being together reduces our stress and effort spent to try and become the average college student on the lookout for love, we have already found it.
Speaking of love, this long distance relationship has taught us both more about our relationship than being together ever could. We are getting to see the effort to which we are both willing to put into this relationship as well as the strength of our emotions for one another. Telling you goodbye really made Thomas Haynes Bayly’s statement, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” all the more prominent to me. It’s true. Saying goodbye to you was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I learned more about my feelings for you than being with you could ever have shown me. Plus, I know that if we can make it through this current struggle, we can make it through almost anything together. Right now all we have to hold us together is communication. The distance provides us with the chance to perfect those skills and be better able to express our emotions, concerns, and etc to one another and in all aspects of our lives. We are building life skills that will serve us well no matter what the future holds and providing ourselves with crucial knowledge as to the sincerity and longevity of our relationship.
Our long distance relationship may be a blessing in disguise that will allow us to continue to become the people we wish to be without losing the companionship of one another. We have space to grow and a relationship to cultivate; in the garden of life we are richly blessed. Embrace each day, remember your goals and believe in this relationship. We are on a track to success and happiness that no other situation could bring with such effectiveness.
With love,
Amy
We have quite the journey ahead of us as members of the exclusive long-distance relationship club! The next few years are likely to be a challenge as we finish off our undergraduate degrees in our respective states. I have never been in this position before and thus have no idea how to go about dating someone who is over one thousand miles away, but I see this as a growing opportunity. Just keep faith. Try to keep in mind the famous quote “most obstacles melt away when we make up our minds to walk boldly through them” (Orison Marden).this situation of ours provides us with the perfect opportunity to embrace our respective college experiences and continue to create the future we desire.
Despite the hardship and pain associated with long distance, I see this as a positive change. College is a time of development and self-discovery. We have so much greater opportunity to continue to define ourselves and shape our own personalities while being apart. I love you dearly but now I do not have to worry about defining myself as your girlfriend. I can figure life out on my own and work through the problems that come up without your immediate assistance. In this way I will find my own feet and courage without developing reliance upon your support and guidance. In a sense we have the best of both worlds right now, we have someone there for us if we need them to be, we have a constant friend, but at the same time we are allowed the space to continue our life experience individually and without restraint from the demands of a close knit relationship. As Lao Tzu said, “being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives your courage”. If you and I use the courage and strength that we generate in this relationship and allow it to enrich us while apart we are well on our way to surpassing our goals and becoming the individuals we desire to be.
This is especially prominent when studies are involved. College requires significant amounts of attention and time. The grades we get now define our future successes. If either of us want to achieve our dreams of getting into medical school, which we had set out before we even knew one another, we must excel in school and significantly challenge ourselves. Being apart gives us less of an excuse to take time away from our education. We pose less of a distraction to one another this way; we have no valid reasoning to take us away from what we need to get done. The time it takes to send a text or write a letter even, is significantly less that the time we would spend hanging out together or going on a date. Being apart allows us greater time to focus on what’s really important right now: school and working towards a better future.
By being in a relationship, we also decrease the stress of being alone or feeling the need to find a companion of the opposite sex. According to Cornell, fifty percent of students meet their spouses in college, a statistic the majority of the population is aware of. This assumption can put a lot of stress on an individual to date and explore their options and may make people more willing to engage with others they would usually have the better sense to avoid. This is especially likely when alcohol is involved, which occurs rather frequently in the college scene, as you well know. By being in a relationship with one another we do not need to worry about looking for that other person, we already have each other. We are thus reducing our stress of courtship significantly in the grand scheme of things. Yes, it takes a bit of time to maintain a relationship and some stress, but trying to impress someone else or taking the extra time in the morning to prepare and look nice or spending hours talking with friends about possible boy/girl options takes up more time and effort than you and I currently spend working on this relationship. Being together reduces our stress and effort spent to try and become the average college student on the lookout for love, we have already found it.
Speaking of love, this long distance relationship has taught us both more about our relationship than being together ever could. We are getting to see the effort to which we are both willing to put into this relationship as well as the strength of our emotions for one another. Telling you goodbye really made Thomas Haynes Bayly’s statement, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” all the more prominent to me. It’s true. Saying goodbye to you was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I learned more about my feelings for you than being with you could ever have shown me. Plus, I know that if we can make it through this current struggle, we can make it through almost anything together. Right now all we have to hold us together is communication. The distance provides us with the chance to perfect those skills and be better able to express our emotions, concerns, and etc to one another and in all aspects of our lives. We are building life skills that will serve us well no matter what the future holds and providing ourselves with crucial knowledge as to the sincerity and longevity of our relationship.
Our long distance relationship may be a blessing in disguise that will allow us to continue to become the people we wish to be without losing the companionship of one another. We have space to grow and a relationship to cultivate; in the garden of life we are richly blessed. Embrace each day, remember your goals and believe in this relationship. We are on a track to success and happiness that no other situation could bring with such effectiveness.
With love,
Amy
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